Flamethrowers and Umbrellas [entries|friends|calendar]

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[27 May 2015|05:24pm]
I don't know where else to vomit glee because honestly, it's kind of a small thing to most people, but OMG MY CURRENT NOVEL JUST GOT ITS (FIRST?!) MANUSCRIPT REQUEST. ;.; It's growing up so fast.

Last novel I queried (GW) got one single MS request after something like 30-40 queries and six months. The agent obviously ended up passing, but it was still a delight and a big accomplishment. This time I'm at 20 queries, but the last five had a seriously revamped and embettered version of my query and I took my time researching and selecting each agent. I've had five rejects and now a MS request. ;.; I was not expecting it so soon!

Even though an MS request /= an agent, it is still an important step on the way because basically the process goes like this:

- You finish a novel! Hoorah! Now you edit it.
- Edit it again.
- You wrote a query letter! Hoorah! Now you edit it.
- Edit it again.
- No, again.
- Seriously, just keep editing that damn query letter.
- You sent your first query letter!
- You receive your first rejection!
- All you receive are rejections! Return to the first step.
- You query your second novel.
- You receive your first MS request!
- You receive your first MS rejection!
- Return to the first step.
- You query your third novel.
- You receive several MS requests!
- You receive a revise & resubmit.
- You revise. You resubmit.
- Your first tentative phone call. You may or may not return to the first step at this point.
- But if really, really lucky (and skilled),
- Your first offer of representation!

So that's where I am, roundabouts. I'm not holding out much hope on receiving an offer this time around, but I am hoping that I'm finally in the "multiple MS requests" stage.


Aaah, excite! Okay, I think I've stalled long enough in replying...
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Thoughts on a Break, Part II [13 May 2015|03:25pm]
It's May. I'm okay with that. I'm actually antsing for it to be June because a) Switzerland trip and b) that much closer to being done with work and c) we'll be back to TTC land.

A) SWITZERLAND. We're at about five weeks out and yet I'm still not feeling the excitement. I think it's because I've been so caught up in d) Lady's dissertation, e) my D&C procedure, and f) Lady's graduation that I haven't had the leftover mental capacity to process that we will be going to EUROPE and eating ALL THE CHOCOLATE and enjoying ALL THE ALPS and seeing ALL THE LARGE HADRON COLLIDER in a very soon timeframe. But d & e are over with and f is this weekend, so hopefully I can start feeling excited soon.

B) I decided to quit work after being passed over for the promotion, but as much as I wanted to rage-quit right then and there, it made more sense to wait until at least July. Partially because of the Switzerland trip, but also because I would get some swank HSA money if I lingered a few weeks longer. Of course, the problem with waiting is that as every day goes by, I convince myself more and more that quitting is scary and staying is the sane, responsible thing. If I quit, I would get a part-time retail job, which wouldn't pay much but would give me more time to write. But if I stay, even for an extra few months, I might be able to simply quit later and not have to get a part time job. I don't know. It's largely up to how much Lady makes as a Dr Lady.

D) I'm out of order but whatever because DR LADY. She successfully defended her dissertation and everything is roses and peaches. I wrote a lot more about it on the SpeckofAwesome blog and Lady even wrote her own piece in her LJ. I'm very proud of her and I don't think I realized just how much that was hanging over both of ours heads.

F) And having defended, that means she is actually graduating this weekend. All of the parents will be in town tomorrow and I have Friday off and Saturday is graduation proper. We will celebrate. There will be much celebrating.

C & E) In TTC land, I had an HSG mid-April - that's basically where they make sure your tubes are open - and that was all hunky dory and then yesterday I had a D&C, which is where they scrape eeeverything out of your uterus. It's typically for the aftermath of a miscarriage, but my doctor ordered it because he thought my lining was particularly thick and dense, especially considering my history of not having periods. Anyway. It basically meant a day in surgery, which was all shades of terrifying, but that's over and now my bits are squeaky clean and all the big procedures and tests are done.

This means that we get to start trying again come next cycle. Or possibly the one after that, depending on how things shuffle out - we might be in Swisserland during the opportune time, after all. Either way, everything is done and hopefully the drugs are working on my PCOS and something will actually happen this time around.

I have mixed feelings about starting TTC again. On the one hand, I want to hurry up and get started. On the other hand, I don't know how I'm going to handle the continuous worry and stress and disappointment. The whole process is super shitty, but this time around I have quite a few things going for me. One, we've seen the doctor and gotten everything straightened out that was obvious. Two, I have a therapist now. Three, I honestly don't believe pregnancy is a thing that actually happens, so I probably won't get my hopes up anymore.

Anyway. In many ways, I wish it were already June. But I'm trying to remind myself to live in the moment and take these precious, calm, fairly predictable days as the blessings they are.
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Sunday, May 10, 2015 DITL [12 May 2015|04:17pm]

In which our heroine has a relatively relaxed and fairly typical Sunday.Collapse )
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Where'd all this April come from? [11 Apr 2015|05:26am]
Holy shit the last two weeks have been draining. Why did I decide to go back to Crossfit now? The only time I can go is during my lunch period, but I've also been using my lunch period for all these appointments and tests, so in the past two weeks I have been having 10+ hour days away from home. I've had maybe two normal days in the last two weeks.

Between that and whatever exhaustion this is that is plaguing me (allergies? anemia?? thyroid???) it's been tough doing anything aside from conking out when I get home. I hope this gets better soon.

Still, I have been able to write a query for TIC (fka ITSW) and send that to a handful of agents wot looked good as well as write a rough draft synopsis. Once that synopsis is done, I can query even more agents because half of them seem to want the damn thing. I feel like pages should be sufficient, but whatever. I'll jump these hoops because I really really really want TIC to be my debut.

I don't know if I'm just still too close to the work or if it's actually any good, but I have so many good feelings about it. I really hope at least somebody asks for pages because otherwise I am going to be So. Disappoint. For once, though, I kind of understand those people who just go self publish after being rejected a ton. They just believe in their work that much. And that's kind of where I am and where I need to back away from, because I can't be remotely objective in that space.

In extensive-testing-and-procedures land, I got my blood test results back yesterday aaaaand - I have PCOS. Officially. I'm still processing that, because everything I read about PCOS is "lose weight!" and "diabetes!" and "insulin resistance!" and "control your glucose!" which just seems so anathema to my own experiences and body. It didn't help that the dr proscribed metformin and when I picked it up (in it's GIGANTIC BOTTLE OF GIGANTICNESS) all the lit was about diabetes.

After some googling I was reassured a little to find others with the same experience of non-insulin resistant PCOS, but they are definitely in the minority. It's still a little overwhelming and I still can't shake this... I don't know, this childish need to cry it's not fair! and throw a tantrum. I'm very glad I have a diagnosis and therefore Something That Can be Fixed, don't get me wrong, but I also feel like I'm already doing so much - eating paleo, sticking with what I found on the AIP, exercising daily, drinking water, getting sleep, avoiding carbs, etc etc - and that it's not enough, may never be enough, is really hard to take in.

People have said well just think how much worse it would be if you weren't doing all those things and that is actually even less helpful because then I feel like I can never screw up. And my wife will tell you I'm already toeing the line of orthorexia on my good days.

Anyway. I'm sure I'll feel better once I have a few days to take it in. And maybe the metformin will actually work. I don't know - but I do have a lot of pills to go through. o.o

HSG is next week and, for good or bad, I have an interview for this promotion the same morning. Better than the following morning, I guess?
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UPDATES [31 Mar 2015|07:02pm]
Two major updates! (Two! Two ah-ah-ah!)

One: We went to the RE on Monday and started to get some answers. The doctor thinks I probably have PCOS because I have GINORMOUS ovaries (isn't that a good thing??) and they look cyst-y, but that will be confirmed with a blood test. PCOS = poor eggs, which could account for the infertility. I also have a really thick lining, like dangerously thick, like almost three times thicker than normal, and that alone would have stopped implantation, so I really stood no chance.

He wants to do an HSG (to see if tubes are clear and whether or not I have fibroids all up in that lining) and then hysteroscopy and D&C which is basically awful, i.e., they put me under and fucking scrape out the innards of my uterus. Who the fuck came up with that? That plus getting the potential PCOS under control should get me pregnant.

It was really weird because the doctor kept saying when and talking like it was something that would actually happen, and in the near future, and I've just been using if for so long that it threw me through a loop. But it's good he's confident. I need someone to have optimism, because I'm all out.


...sooo, anybody want to beta? It's a 128k-long fantasy adventure set in a Sahara-like desert with shambling corpses, assassins, healers, and undead camels. Or, as my current hook reads:

A young assassin is forced into an uneasy alliance with a fastidious sorcerer when an ancient, malevolent power threatens the world in pursuit of immortality.

I need 2-3 betas for the month of April and then another 1-2 for May (I already have 2 prospective betas for May). I would prefer you could finish reading and get back to me within the month so that I can fix/edit what I can before sending the WIP onto the next round of betas. I would also prefer that you have read some modern fantasy in the last few years.

What you get in return: MY UNDYING GRATITUDE. And a shout-out if I ever get this beast published. Also a free, fun read (hopefully!)!!

Leave a comment or email. I love you. <3
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Next Step [20 Mar 2015|06:05am]
We had a pennywhistle all weekend, which was amaaazing. You know how you can have all kinds of friends and they're all wonderful in their own way and fit just so and then one leaves and you have this weird emptiness that you never knew you'd had before meeting that friend to begin with? Yeah.

ministerofgrace had that effect when she visited, too. You know you have a really good friend when you can just pick up where you've left off.

But now the weekend is (very) over and I'm trying to look forward to the things on the horizon. I've got my first therapist appointment next week. Lady's (hopefully) got her dissertation in April. Getting this final draft done and to the betas in the coming weeks. Family in May. Lady's conference and Switzerland (!!) in June. I can't really see beyond that at this point, but that's okay.

I need all those sure things to look forward to. TTC has chewed up the rest of my emotional energy. After a year (a year already??) of it, we're moving onto the next step, which is hooking up with a doctor and seeing what - if anything - they can do. I made an appt with one doctor for two weeks from now and it was both really hard and really easy.

I really never expected it to take this long or be this hard. It's more than a little frustrating because on the outside, it seems like such a simple, easy thing - acquire sperm! get pregnant! - but it's fraught with an incredible amount of hourly and daily and weekly wondering and questioning and testing that after a long enough time takes its toll.

And after a certain amount of time you start to wonder what's wrong with you, or what you're doing wrong. You analyze everything and get unhelpful questions like you do know where it goes right? Okay, maybe that one is mostly in my head. My brain keeps going stupid lesbians, you don't know how this works even though I can rattle off everything there possibly is to know about hormones and timing.

Basically, with most things you can try and fail and you can learn from your mistakes - but not with TTC. But that doesn't mean we don't approach it that way, and I think that's the most detrimental part of all: that we believe it's our own failing, in some inexorable and definitely stupid way, that's causing this.

And I hate feeling like a failure.
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Sunday, March 15, 2015 DITL [20 Mar 2015|05:22am]

In which a fellow DITLer comes for a visit.Collapse )
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Saturday, March 7, 2015 DITL [09 Mar 2015|05:15am]

In which our heroine has a relatively chill day because she"s still getting over a cold. Warnings: Occasional TTC stuff.Collapse )
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On a Positive Note: [28 Feb 2015|05:22am]
I am halfway through reading my first draft and I do not yet want to set the whole thing on fire and become a CPA.
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[27 Feb 2015|05:01am]
It's been a hard few weeks months. February, overall, somehow went better than January in terms of not letting everything go, at least, but the energy I've had to put in just to keep everything together was way more than it should have been.

I'm tired of being depressed. I'm tired of going to work and avoiding everyone. I'm tired of not being able to offer up a smile when needed. It's a very selfish thing, depression is, because you simply do not have the energy to do anything but the bare minimum, and that bare minimum is sometimes just getting out of bed and feeding yourself. It really doesn't help when everyone around you starts avoiding you because you're so "negative."

Last Monday it came to a head. I think it was a combination of having family over for four days - and therefore no space to break down in - and it being the end of another failed cycle and using maca powder for the first time (it's supposed to even out your hormones, but sometimes can overstimulate instead). A guy at work got annoyed when I didn't say good morning to him and I... lost it. I had to go home early.

I'd actually realized Friday before that I needed to find myself a therapist, or some kind of help. My depression does seem to be affected by my hormones, getting worse towards the end of each cycle, but I haven't been myself for months now.

Of course, I've been trying to get in contact with several since Monday and haven't heard back yet... :/

I did go back to Crossfit yesterday. Or rather, I'm trying it out on a provisional basis. I keep thinking over what's changed in the last year or so that's brought all this on - you know, aside from TTC - and that's the other large thing. We quit Crossfit a year and a half ago, intending to go back after six months. We wanted to save money and I wanted to try working out on my own, see how it went.

Well, we saved money and I learned I can strength train on my own, but any endurance/intensity stuff was hit or miss. I didn't think I was missing anything, though, because I bike to work 2-3 times a week and run occasionally. But maybe not?

I was also hesitant to return after so long because intense exercise can affect your cycle. But we're going to be taking another break here soon and I am absolutely done putting off things that maybe just might affect our TTC chances. Especially things that could help.

TL;DR: I'm admitting I have depression and (finally) seeking help. Fuck TTC. I'm going back to Crossfit.
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Rabbit Rabbit [01 Feb 2015|07:09am]
I don't think January went well for anyone I know. Can we have a do-over?

Actually, that's exactly what I intend to do. February is the new January, for what's it worth. I suppose January wasn't a complete wash - we got to see ministerofgrace and it snowed on New Year's Eve - but I'm still glad it's over.

Why was January so bad? Well, overall, it could have been worse. But man, it just sucked. Lady was sick for the New Year, then we found out grandma was dying, then I got sick, then grandma died, then we flew across the country again, then I had to go back to work after having only been there for a total of 5 days over the course of the previous four weeks, then we were TTC but it was no good, then I was depressed, then Lady was depressed, then I kept trying to get things done and just nothing was getting done -

And now it's February.

I had a lot of goals for January. Get back on track with exercise. Get back on track with eating. Get back on track with writing. That didn't really happen. So I'm giving myself permission to push those goals into February instead. My WIP was supposed to be done by Feb 1st, but now I'm aiming to be done by March 1st. I was supposed to cut eggs and gluten out completely again in January, but now I'm doing a Whole30 for February. I wanted to de-puff my body and feel strong again and that didn't happen, so I'm setting small but accomplishable movement goals for this month: run 2x week, bike to work 2x week, lift 2x week. Ideally, I would do all of those 3x a week, but I at least want to aim for no less than 2x.

And my last goal for February: every time I feel depressed and hopeless and like nothing matters and what's the point, I will let myself feel all that and then I will get mad. Forcing myself to be happy doesn't help a lick, but apparently filling myself with rage at the universe at least gets me moving again.

So here's to February.
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Monday, January 26, 2015 DITL [27 Jan 2015|07:32pm]

In which our heroine does a workday DITL for the first time in probably years, acquires a new cat trap, and does not go for a run. Warnings: Aside from a picture with spiders, a pretty boring day, actually.Collapse )
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Sunday, January 18, 2015 DITL [20 Jan 2015|06:27pm]
This week we have a several new things going on for DITL: our friend ministerofgrace is visiting for the weekend; I finally got a smantsy fance phone; & I decided to take all the DITL photos with said new phone to get acquainted with my camera. So please bear with me as I learn the ropes. :)

In which our heroine uses her new Fancy!Phone all day and forces everyone to come along for her learning curve.Collapse )
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Thoughts on a Coffee Break [16 Jan 2015|11:33am]
I'm supposed to be catching up to my word count, but I have over two hours, so I'm going to do a brain dump first.

The funeral was nice, inasmuch as those things ever are. It was more than a little bizarre to be back in the same place with the same people after only two weeks. It was even more bizarre to not have grandma there. There was a lot of deja vu and a lot of what are we actually here for? and a lot of cider and a lot of family. When we left for the hotel Wednesday night, I told everyone I wanted to see them again but not that soon dammnit.

Grandma is gone. That reality will become more normal soon, I'm sure, but right now it's just weird. With grandpa, it was weeks and months and almost years of wondering when he would go. He also had never been that pleasant to me, at least. Grandma, though, was sweet and loving and occasionally outright hilarious. It's even weirder to realize we'll probably never go back to their hometown. I saw and played in snow there for the first time so many times. And the house - that creepy basement is going to be emptied of all its dead birds and wide-eyed dolls it just won't be creepy anymore.

Watching my mother deal with all the aftermath was slightly terrifying. Even with all of grandma's affairs in order, there was still so much. Thankfully she has three siblings to lean on, so it's not all on her shoulders. But I can see myself and my brother in her shoes someday and it's something I can't imagine going through.

I'm so grateful for so many things, though. I'm grateful grandma made it to our wedding, to my brother's wedding, that she got to see where we live in Tucson, that she made a life for herself after grandpa died, that she got to see all of us just a few weeks ago. I'm grateful I got to become an adult and still have a grandma, so I could better know her and appreciate her as a person in her own right, instead of the fuzzy sweet grandma of youth. Not everyone gets that opportunity.

I'm sad I didn't get to give her another great grandchild first or prove that I could publish a novel (both of my grandmas were firmly in my court to become a writer when I was growing up). But I know that ultimately neither of those really mattered to her. She was just happy I was happy. She even told me as much not even a year ago, grabbing my arm and smiling when she did.

She was also happy I studied Latin. So at least I could do that. :)
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Saturday, January 10, 2015 DITL [11 Jan 2015|06:38am]

Absolutely forgot about DITL until I had already been up a few minutes and turned on the coffee, but it hasn't been that long and you didn't miss much.

In which our heroine wakes up late, does not receive a package, and takes a lot of photos of Not Snow.Collapse )
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Update 2 [10 Jan 2015|06:48am]
I got the call yesterday around noon. Grandma slipped away that morning. One minute she was there, the next not. Funeral prep began in earnest. Mother admitted how desperately tired and relieved she was, and how awful the last week had been. I can only imagine. I'm a little angry at our medical system, but that's another story.

At first they wanted us to come out ASAP, thinking they could have the funeral as early as Monday. But apparently there's a bit of a backlog in that town - dad said it's a busy time of year - so it won't be until Wednesday. I'd already gone home by this point, thinking I would have to rush and pack and clean and get kitty sitters. Instead I was left twiddling my thumbs and feeling kind of useless.

But I'm glad we have more than a few hours notice and can actually get our shit together without rushing. We'll be going out Monday. Work gives me five days bereavement - which I still can't quite believe - so I'm taking all next week.

In the meantime, I'm mostly all right. I had a week to process this, which helped a lot. And now I'm (mostly) over this damn cold, which will help with the traveling.
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Update [08 Jan 2015|05:21am]
Grandma's still holding in there, but it's down to an hourly thing.

Lady and I will both be heading out when she goes.

I've had time to process it, so comments won't upset me as much as they would have. <3 Thank you for your patience.

In the meantime, I've been fighting a wicked cold and yesterday I made it through a full day of work (although I prob should have gone home a few hours early). Go me.
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New Year's [03 Jan 2015|05:16am]

We rang in the new year with snow flurries and a recorded count down. I woke up five hours later and went for a short hike in the foothills to see snow. Lady stayed home in bed, still sick with her cold.


It was cold and quiet and magical, even if I heard weird snorting/snuffling noises and decided to turn around early. I still got to watch the sky brighten and the mountains come to light.


I came back and wished Lady a happy New Year and snuggled under blankets and tried to go back to sleep. Then I walked an hour to the only grocery store nearby that was open to get Lady some zinc to help her cold. I didn't listen to music or an audiobook - I simply was.

I roused Lady again and we were getting ready to go check on the chickens when my mom called. I answered immediately. She doesn't call without texting first if it's not Sunday, our usual chat day, and the last time this happened it was to tell me before Christmas that grandma (her mom) had fallen and was in the hospital. At that time, she had waited until the worst was past and they knew grandma was (relatively) fine (if you ignore the large purple & yellow bruises). A week later and it was Christmas Eve and grandma was out of the hospital and doing better by the day.

She had a physical therapy appointment on Tuesday. She and the therapist were both very pleased with her increased strength and mobility.

But mom wasn't calling to tell me about her PT appt. Grandma was back in the hospital. My aunt, who had been staying the night with her, found her unresponsive in her bed. The blood in her brain the doctors had thought was mostly reabsorbed had returned with a vengeance - it looked like she'd had a stroke. Parts of her brain were already dead, her brain stem compromised. The doctors could shift heaven and hell and maybe pull a miracle to wake her up, but her brain would still be severely damaged.

Thankfully, my mom and aunt and uncle had talked to her the week before and knew what she wanted. And what she didn't want was any extraordinary measures.

So they took her home. She's off any support - fluid, drugs, respiratory. She has anywhere from 3-7 days, if her heart doesn't simply give out first.

We're all a little stunned. I was ready for this two weeks ago, but not now. I just saw her on Sunday. She was awake, smiling, responsive. I told her I loved her and kissed her forehead. I worked with my cousin the week before to help get her out of bed at night and to the bathroom. Get her water and drugs. Sit with her and talk to her and listen to her. Every day she was getting stronger. We could both feel it when we helped her up. Sunday she could stand on her own.

I'll have more to say when I get the last call and go back out to IL. But for now I'm just so terribly thankful she got to see the whole family for Christmas, even the far flung ones. I know she's been hanging on for us more than herself since grandpa died, and I know she's been ready for a while. I don't know if there could have been a better time than this.

(I turned off comments because I love you guys, but it's hard for me to receive sympathy right now. Instead, please direct your thoughts and love towards my mother and her siblings. I can't imagine what they're going through.)

2014 Year in Review [27 Dec 2014|08:49am]
It's 8:30am and most everyone is still asleep. The clouds have rolled in and it's supposed to drop some degrees today. I'm sitting on the floor of grandma's living room, listening to her labored breathing and knowing that at least while asleep, she's not dizzy and nauseous. Poor thing fell on her face two weeks ago, was in the hospital for a week, and now has a long way to recovery. Since we're staying at her house while we're out here, we've also been keeping an eye on her.

There's also a second cousin rolling around on the floor, eating cereal as quietly as she can.

So while I wait for the rest of the family to wake up and get over here, I feel like it's an appropriate time to do the year in review meme.

Onwards.Collapse )
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Thoughts on A lunch Break, Part 54 [15 Dec 2014|12:31pm]
- I'm still reading LJ posts on a daily-ish basis, just not posting.

- I've all but fully moved over to my other blog. Sorry. >>

- That said, it's not the same as LJ. It never will be and that's probably okay. I don't know if I need to pour out my soul onto the internet as much as I needed it in the past. I'm trying to hit the highlights instead, so as to avoid losing everything in the fogs of memory. But now I have a paper journal for that. So.

- Next week is Christmas. Considering how long I've been dreading it, I'm surprised that it's almost already here. Truthfully, I am looking forward to seeing family, but I'm even more excited about January. There's just so many fresh starts.

- I'm ready to lay this very, very disappointing year to rest. The two major things I was working on this year - getting pregnant and published - didn't happen and an awesome friend moved too many states away. I didn't think any of those would be as hard to deal with as they were, nor did I even suspect they would pull on my heart so hard. I miss Penny and I know we'll get to see her again soon, but it also reminds me of all the friends who we've left (so many, too many), and who we're going to leave when we move again.

- Someone needs to invent a freaking teleporter already.

- Or we need to just get our commune together and invite all those friends and never, ever let them leave.

- I'm so close to 100k on my rewrite (first draft?) but I need to take a break. I'm stressing out over all the Christmas stuff and getting ready to be gone for a week and I simply cannot figure this ending out. What is my problem with endings? Seriously. Every time. I can do a wicked beginning and a pretty decent middle, but tying it all together in a way that is both epic and fulfilling...? Not so much. And since this is a fantasy ADVENTURE, I feel like the ending has to be especially epic. So I'm taking a week... maybe I can figure this out.

- I've been a weird ball of sad and stressed and depressed and okay lately. I don't know what to do about it. It's not as bad as August - I just feel off. I started taking vitamin D and 5-HTP again, and I'm trying to be more consistent with exercise, and also just taking a moment to clear my mind and breathe, but idk. It's helping a little, but I'm worried about starting TTC again. The thought of seeing a therapist makes me physically cry, though, and I don't know if that's a sign I should or shouldn't. I'll see how the next few weeks go.

- I love my friends (near & far), I love my wife, I love the cats, I love the chickens, I'm grateful to live in a state where it's not currently below freezing and/or snowing, I'm healthy, my family is (mostly) healthy, I'm writing, I'm fine with my job - everything is fine and right and yet.

- Lady is busy finishing up her phd. She'll be graduating in May. I can't even wrap my head around that.

- We'll be trying for baby again in January. I'm a mixed bag of feels about that. We know more now and we'll have more times to try, but... I just, I don't know. I have absolutely no confidence that anything will happen in that arena in the next 12 months.

- I guess I feel the same way about my writing.

- Whew.

- And thus concludes my thought vomit.

- <3
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